Ashy Opinions Office

Pop-soda-coke Debate has jammed the printer again, and Public Schools R Satan continues typing the word “Monday” on a blank word document to avoid beginning her work. She has not finished her report from last week but is hoping no one will notice until at least Wednesday. Fifty Shades of Gray So Sexism Isn’t Real strolls into the office hungover, wearing sunglasses, and sipping coffee. He was up until 4:30 drunk-texting both of his ex-wives. On the way to his cubicle, Fifty Shades is rammed into a filing cabinet by Colorblindness who is still committed to her performance of not seeing anyone at all. Colorblindness then goes to the breakroom, makes herself a pot of coffee, and reads an offensive joke from her phone to her best pal in the office, Black On Black Crime. A coworker enters the breakroom but is not greeted by name. Since he changed his name from She Asked for It to What Was She Wearing to Boys Will be Boys within his first month of employment, no one has bothered to find out what his name is at present. In the conference room, Millennials Ruin Everything practices his presentation about the importance of using social media to spread mass hysteria and demonize an entire group of people. It involves an un-designed powerpoint. Immigrants Are Terrorists listens closely and takes notes. Elsewhere, others are not working as diligently. In her office, Privilege Isn’t Real (the boss’s daughter) watches Netflix on her laptop, having already scheduled emails to coworkers that place the blame for her unfinished projects on someone else. The oldest employee of the office, Feminists Hate Men, is not working either but has not worked a day since he was hired in 1920. Instead, he is taking a nap in the file room. In the bathroom, All Lives Matter sits on the toilet with her phone, wondering how to text her boyfriend, Blue Lives Matter, and tell him that he may be too specific for her after all.

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